Paramedic school is killing me. I don't mean the course work or anything, my class average is in the high 90's. I'm talking about the time commitment.
Work 80-100 hours a week. Class room 10 hours a week, then as many clinical hours you can cram in there. Plus the fact that I'm a single daddy with 2 children! It just seems to be "too much" at times.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel though, we will be done in May. May doesn't seem that far away now.
Things are still good at work. For those of you who don't know I got a promotion about a year ago, thats primarily why I haven't been writing as much as I used to. There is just so much to get done in a day's time that I rarely have the time to just sit and reflect on runs like I used to do. It seems as soon as I get the run completed we turn around and run on another one. My down time is just used now to complete paperwork, and try to sleep while I can.
Some of you have sent e-mails asking about my "love life"... HEHHEHE....
Well I have never been one to "kiss and tell" but lets just say that I have met someone but it will be some time before we can be together. She is wonderful, so I'll wait. Now enough e-mails about stuff like that. This is supposed to be primarily an EMS blog... no need to digress.
So now it's time for a little game. Please observe the following scenario and leave a comment if you are so inclined:
You are doing clinical rounds in the ER. A call comes in from a local squad and the report is as follows. "We are en route to your facility with a 20 year old female. Pt is complaining of severe abdominal pain 8/10. Pt was seen at a neighboring ER 2 days prior for same symptoms, given Cipro with a diagnoses of UTI. Pt has taken 1. Vitals are P-120 R-26 BP 148/88 SPO2 98% on room air. Pt is guarding abdomen . ETA to you 8 minutes.
On arrival pt writhing in pain, Vitals established WNL, nursed asked for urine sample. Urine cloudy with lots of floaters.
What do you think? (Besides the obvious)
Take care guys. I'll write more as soon as time permits.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
What is it about the loss of a child that tears open our soul?
I mean, I've been on thousands of calls and seen many many people lose their life, and I notice something odd. No matter how many adults die I might feel bad for a couple hours but then I completely forget about them. The fade away into my memory banks and I have to read the old report to refresh my mind with the circumstances.
However, when I close my eyes I can remember every child I ever lost. I can see their faces and remember almost everything about the way they were found, what we did and even how everyone around me looked. I have instant recall about every one of those.
They haunt me. I'm a big strong guy, I should be tougher than this right? Well, I guess I'm just a fucking wuss. I can't deal. I hate the fact we couldn't do anything. I feel helpless, I feel out of control. It all happens in the span of 45 seconds. Every negative emotion you can have just floods to your head and makes your heart pound. Your hands get sweaty, you start thinking about your own children. You have to look up with a tear in your eye and say: "I'm sorry, there is nothing we can do, you child has passed"
The cops wont do it, and most of the time the family doesn't want to hear from a cop, they want to hear from the guys in the ambulance. They want some answers! You just don't have them and even if you did, you wouldn't tell them. Thats the doctors job.
I caved today. I completely shut down. We realized she was dead and I asked my partner if he could tell the mother. I just couldn't do it this time. I'm usually so strong. I usually have it all in control. Not this time. I felt so helpless.
I just want it all to go away. I don't think I can deal with another dead child. Each time I feel part of my humanity slipping away. They are not my children, but I can't help feeling the loss of the parents and siblings. My heart aches for them. I just want to fucking scream. IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR GOD! KILL THE BASTARDS THAT DESERVE IT, LEAVE THE DAMN BABIES ALONE!!
enough for today.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Author Unknown
I ran across something a few years back that I would like to share with you folks.
AN EMT / FIREMAN'S Life
It may take you two minutes to read this, but if you do not take the time to read this you are one of the people this post is talking about.
You stay up for 16 hours
He's been up for 48 straight
_________________________
You take a warm shower to help you wake up.
The rain in the middle of the interstate keeps him awake.
__________________________
You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.
He's chilled to the bone, hasn't eaten all day, has the flu, and then runs out to another call
__________________________
You drink your coffee on your way to the mall.
He pumps on a five years olds chest on the way to the hospital.
__________________________
You make sure your cell phone is in your pocket.
He makes sure his cardiac monitor is working.
__________________________
You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you.
He watches his buddy fall through four floors.
__________________________
You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.
He walks down the highway looking for the motorcyclist's missing limb.
_________________________
You complain about how hot it is.
He wears fifty pounds of gear in the middle of July and drags a body out of 1600 degree flames.
__________________________
You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.
He hasn't seen a meal since last shift when he ate breakfast.
__________________________
Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.
He's worn the same stinking, wet, grungy clothes for the past 24 hours....no time for a shower.
__________________________
You go to the mall and get your hair redone.
He holds the hair of some college girl while she's puking in the back of the ambulance.
__________________________
You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.
His shift ended 2 hours ago and he's on for another 24 hours at a station thirty miles away.
__________________________
You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight.
He calls his girlfriend to tell her he made it back alive....then
leaves abruptly for another call
__________________________
You yell and scream at the ambulance that just past you because they slowed you down.
He's in the back of the ambulance, going to cut somebody out of their car only to find out that they're dead and their daughter is barely alive.
__________________________
You roll your eyes as a baby cries.
He cries as he hears his new born cry in the hospital.... he was taking a drunk teenager in when his boy was born.
__________________________
You criticize your fire department and say they're never there quick enough anyways.
He blows the air horn while the person in front of them refuses to move while talking on their cell phone and doing their makeup.
__________________________
You hear the jokes about fallen firefighters and say the y should have known better.
He feels the floor give way while he's carrying an old lady from her bedroom and tosses her on to the hard floor and falls into the unknown.
__________________________
You see the bright lights when you go by.
He sees the broken bodies lying around the car.
__________________________
You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.
He looks into buying a bullet proof vest because he's been shot at trying to save the shooting victims life.
__________________________
You stay at home and watch TV.
He takes his spare time to wash the wagon, restock the ambulance and maybe call his mother to tell her not to worry, he'll be home the next night
__________________________
You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable.
He tries to sleep on his spring board bed but keeps getting woken up by the gong and bell, ahh, one hour of sleep, it should do till tomorrow night.
__________________________
You sit there and judge him, saying the that its a waste of money to have them around.
Garbage truck workers make more than he does, but it's not for the money, it's for the people who don't appreciate what he does.
Kinda says it all, don' ya think?
AN EMT / FIREMAN'S Life
It may take you two minutes to read this, but if you do not take the time to read this you are one of the people this post is talking about.
You stay up for 16 hours
He's been up for 48 straight
_________________________
You take a warm shower to help you wake up.
The rain in the middle of the interstate keeps him awake.
__________________________
You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.
He's chilled to the bone, hasn't eaten all day, has the flu, and then runs out to another call
__________________________
You drink your coffee on your way to the mall.
He pumps on a five years olds chest on the way to the hospital.
__________________________
You make sure your cell phone is in your pocket.
He makes sure his cardiac monitor is working.
__________________________
You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you.
He watches his buddy fall through four floors.
__________________________
You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.
He walks down the highway looking for the motorcyclist's missing limb.
_________________________
You complain about how hot it is.
He wears fifty pounds of gear in the middle of July and drags a body out of 1600 degree flames.
__________________________
You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.
He hasn't seen a meal since last shift when he ate breakfast.
__________________________
Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.
He's worn the same stinking, wet, grungy clothes for the past 24 hours....no time for a shower.
__________________________
You go to the mall and get your hair redone.
He holds the hair of some college girl while she's puking in the back of the ambulance.
__________________________
You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.
His shift ended 2 hours ago and he's on for another 24 hours at a station thirty miles away.
__________________________
You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight.
He calls his girlfriend to tell her he made it back alive....then
leaves abruptly for another call
__________________________
You yell and scream at the ambulance that just past you because they slowed you down.
He's in the back of the ambulance, going to cut somebody out of their car only to find out that they're dead and their daughter is barely alive.
__________________________
You roll your eyes as a baby cries.
He cries as he hears his new born cry in the hospital.... he was taking a drunk teenager in when his boy was born.
__________________________
You criticize your fire department and say they're never there quick enough anyways.
He blows the air horn while the person in front of them refuses to move while talking on their cell phone and doing their makeup.
__________________________
You hear the jokes about fallen firefighters and say the y should have known better.
He feels the floor give way while he's carrying an old lady from her bedroom and tosses her on to the hard floor and falls into the unknown.
__________________________
You see the bright lights when you go by.
He sees the broken bodies lying around the car.
__________________________
You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.
He looks into buying a bullet proof vest because he's been shot at trying to save the shooting victims life.
__________________________
You stay at home and watch TV.
He takes his spare time to wash the wagon, restock the ambulance and maybe call his mother to tell her not to worry, he'll be home the next night
__________________________
You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable.
He tries to sleep on his spring board bed but keeps getting woken up by the gong and bell, ahh, one hour of sleep, it should do till tomorrow night.
__________________________
You sit there and judge him, saying the that its a waste of money to have them around.
Garbage truck workers make more than he does, but it's not for the money, it's for the people who don't appreciate what he does.
Kinda says it all, don' ya think?
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Mortality
It's going to happen. No matter how hard you try.
If you're in this business for any length of time you will start to feel your own mortality.
You will start asking yourself questions and considering the outcome of your own demise. What will my family do, how will I be remembered? Will people grieve for me? How will my affairs be taken care of? What will be come of my possessions, will everything go to my sons as I wished?
I sit an think of these things sometimes and I guess I'm scared of dying. I know the world would continue spinning after I'm gone, but I guess I'm such a control freak that I don't think I would like the way it spins.
Would my boys be raised the way I want them raised? Would they eventually start calling their step-dad "daddy"? I'm daddy god-damn it! I don't want them calling someone else daddy.
I tell my children I love them everyday, most of the time I tell them 2-3 times a day, does it mean anything to them? I let them know that they are the most important thing in the world to me and that NOTHING except God is more important and nothing ever will be.
I usually get the reply "Love you too Dad". I don't know if they really understand that they are my entire life. The entire reason I do what I do.
I go on calls and I see people that take their children for granted, or use them as a source of income. It sickens me. I can't even wrap my head around the fact that people literally kill their children, starve them, beat them, neglect them. Why? How in Gads name is this possible? Is there something broken in their head? They must me broken, I can't imagine any sane person doing such a thing to their flesh and blood.
Ahh, maybe it's just me getting old, or maybe I need to consider meds. I don't know anymore. I do know that I have things to do, places to go, people to see, and I'm not looking forward to cashing in my chips anytime soon. I just wish i could go a month without seeing someone dead while at work. Just one month to reset my head or something.
If you're in this business for any length of time you will start to feel your own mortality.
You will start asking yourself questions and considering the outcome of your own demise. What will my family do, how will I be remembered? Will people grieve for me? How will my affairs be taken care of? What will be come of my possessions, will everything go to my sons as I wished?
I sit an think of these things sometimes and I guess I'm scared of dying. I know the world would continue spinning after I'm gone, but I guess I'm such a control freak that I don't think I would like the way it spins.
Would my boys be raised the way I want them raised? Would they eventually start calling their step-dad "daddy"? I'm daddy god-damn it! I don't want them calling someone else daddy.
I tell my children I love them everyday, most of the time I tell them 2-3 times a day, does it mean anything to them? I let them know that they are the most important thing in the world to me and that NOTHING except God is more important and nothing ever will be.
I usually get the reply "Love you too Dad". I don't know if they really understand that they are my entire life. The entire reason I do what I do.
I go on calls and I see people that take their children for granted, or use them as a source of income. It sickens me. I can't even wrap my head around the fact that people literally kill their children, starve them, beat them, neglect them. Why? How in Gads name is this possible? Is there something broken in their head? They must me broken, I can't imagine any sane person doing such a thing to their flesh and blood.
Ahh, maybe it's just me getting old, or maybe I need to consider meds. I don't know anymore. I do know that I have things to do, places to go, people to see, and I'm not looking forward to cashing in my chips anytime soon. I just wish i could go a month without seeing someone dead while at work. Just one month to reset my head or something.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Your Kidding Right?
I opened up my comments section and found this:
As an EMT you are asking the public to trust you. You are asking them to put an unimaginable amount of faith in your ability to help them on the worst (or one of) day of their life.
Many days, you direct the difference between life and death. Your actions or inactions determine the outcome of some pretty nasty situations. You need to have the ability to think clearly, unobstructed by any drug illegal or legal.
I can't tell you how disappointed I am that you even went to school for EMS. Your a fucking idiot. You wasted your money and you wasted the instructors time. You took such a wonderful opportunity and squandered it because you can't lay off the wacky tabacky.
If you would have started your comment with "I Used to smoke dope, but then I went to EMT school" I would have had no problem, but you blatantly say that you don't want to quit. You disgust me, you are the lowest form of snake-shit on the planet.
Oh and to answer your question. Yes, they do drug test.
Today I declare WAR!
Today I declare war on the world for not making everything perfect for me.
Today I declare war on my job for not making everything easy on me.
Today I declare war on my girlfriend, she is now my ex-girlfriend.
Today I declare war on my kids for being kids and loving unconditionally.
Today I declare war on my house for constantly needing repair.
Today I declare war on my bank for not lending me any money.
Today I declare war on my family for never being there for me.
Today I declare war on my friends for always making me look at the bright side of things.
Today I declare war on myself for setting my expectations too high.
Today I declare war on myself for being 34 and still optimistic.
Today I declare war on myself for not giving my children more attention
Today I declare war on myself for being so belligerent.
Today I declare war on myself for expecting too much out of life.
Today I declare war on myself for being so fucking co-dependent.
Today I declare war on myself for feeling guilty about hard decisions.
Today I declare war on myself for stressing over the small things in life.
Today I declare war on myself for missing the wonderment of just being alive.
Sorry guys, I had to vent. Shit is falling apart around here and I'm in a mad dash to set things right again. It's like trying to crawl out of a hole, you get so far and then WHAMO you slide down again. I'm nothing if not persistent though. I'll get there and my experiences will strengthen my resolve. The bad things that have happened to me over the course of the last 4 years will serve to remind me why I should never trust ANYONE except my sons and my friends.
Z
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Whew..!
Thanks for all your e-mails and chats. No I'm not dead. I'm in paramedic school. So I guess thats pretty close to dead.
Many changes in my little area of private EMS. I was promoted, so now I have to at least pretend to be a good boy.
The runs have really been more of the same lately. Either that or I'm so busy with school and home that the really interesting stuff just doesn't interest me anymore.
I will post more later, just wanted to drop a quick line to let you all know I was still around.
Many changes in my little area of private EMS. I was promoted, so now I have to at least pretend to be a good boy.
The runs have really been more of the same lately. Either that or I'm so busy with school and home that the really interesting stuff just doesn't interest me anymore.
I will post more later, just wanted to drop a quick line to let you all know I was still around.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
It's 5am do you know where your ambulance drivers are?
Ambulance driver. This simple term sets me on fire. I do more than drive an ambulance folks.
To enlighten a few of our readers that do not know what EMS really does please observe the following:
First Aid: You can learn it anywhere, some classes are better than others.
First Aid/CPR: Now your doing something useful, but still, some classes are better than others.
First Responder: This is the entry level of professional rescue, about 2 months of school.
Basic EMT: Step 2 in professional rescue. Some drugs and medications about 6 months of school.
Advanced EMT: (some states call them specialists) Step 3 in a 4 step process. More meds, more proceedures. 6 months school to get your basic then 4-5 more months to get your advanced.
Paramedic: The last step in most pre-hospital care. Advanced Cardiac Care, even more meds and proceedures. At LEAST 12 months of school with many classes being 18 months.
From first responder to paramedic we all drive the freaking ambulance from time to time, but dont call us ambulance drivers.
Z
To enlighten a few of our readers that do not know what EMS really does please observe the following:
First Aid: You can learn it anywhere, some classes are better than others.
First Aid/CPR: Now your doing something useful, but still, some classes are better than others.
First Responder: This is the entry level of professional rescue, about 2 months of school.
Basic EMT: Step 2 in professional rescue. Some drugs and medications about 6 months of school.
Advanced EMT: (some states call them specialists) Step 3 in a 4 step process. More meds, more proceedures. 6 months school to get your basic then 4-5 more months to get your advanced.
Paramedic: The last step in most pre-hospital care. Advanced Cardiac Care, even more meds and proceedures. At LEAST 12 months of school with many classes being 18 months.
From first responder to paramedic we all drive the freaking ambulance from time to time, but dont call us ambulance drivers.
Z
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Emails
I'm still here guys, thanks for all the emails... Give me a few days, I'll be back at the writing...
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Real Life Bites You In The Ass
**ALL NAMES AND PLACES CHANGED TO PROTECT PRIVACY**
A week ago Saturday I'm at home with my children, the girl is at work. It's about 1pm and I'm settling down for some television while the children are taking their afternoon nap.
My buddy Rick walks into my house and says he needs me to come over to his house with him, someone has locked themselves in his garage and he hears music blaring. Immediately I tell him to call 911 and we'll sort the issue out from there. He calls 911 and they inform him that there are no local police officers on duty he would need to wait 15 minutes or so for the sheriff to arrive. Rick heads home and sends his son over to watch my kids so I can leave. I arrive at Rick's house just as the first Deputy does. The garage windows are all blocked off, you cant see in it anywhere.
The deputy says he is waiting on another deputy before he enters; being a tactical medic I understand fully, but Rick is very upset. He wants to get to the bottom of this, and generally feels a little freaked out. I guess I don't blame him, if it were my garage I would be a bit freaked out too.
While we are waiting for the other deputy to arrive I try to brace Rick for the two possibilities I foresee. I know he and his ex-girlfriend have been on the outs for the better part of 2 years. I know that there is some concern over his visitation of their child, and I know he sought the advice of a lawyer to try and rectify the problem.
Knowing his Ex only two things were possible in my mind; either she was waiting in the garage to kill him or she has killed herself. I relay this information the the deputy, but Rick clearly doesn't want to hear any of this and walks away kind of in a daze.
The other deputy arrives and they discuss how they are going to enter the garage. Eventually they break out the glass in the man door and open it. With guns drawn they yell "SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT!!" Then one deputy stumbles backwards and yells: "Get EMS!"
From behind the truck where I was standing I reply: "I am EMS". The deputy yells: "She's in the car!" I ask: "Is the scene safe?" The deputy replies "Yes, hurry, she's in the car"
Rick starts for the garage and I quickly yell at him to go across the street and I'll talk to him in a second. He caught a glance of her in the car... I wish he hadn't.
As I rush to the garage I notice the car still running with a garden hose from the exhaust pipe to the drivers window, one of the deputys breaks out the passenger side window and unlocks the door, he leans over and cuts the ignition. As he jumps out of the way I'm yelling for him to open the garage door or we are all gonna be in trouble. I jump in the car and grab her, prepared to pull her out onto the garage floor and work her. As I touched her arm I knew. She had been gone for several hours. Lividity has set in and she was very ridged. No pulse, no respirations.
I exit the garage just as the local squad is pulling up. They go to the patient with a monitor and confirmed what I told them on arrival.
Now, I have been on several calls like this. I would like to believe that I knew what to expect. The truth of the matter though... It's all very different when you know the people involved. It's very hard to maintain a professional distance when the people grieving are your friends.
The first question on everyone's mind was "Where was the little girl?" The deputys checked every inch of the vehicle and were confident in saying that she was not in the car. Rick called the family, informed them of the situation and found out his daughter was with them.
As the sheriff's department was processing the scene they had a lot of questions for everyone. It felt like we were there 100 hours. Rick was still across the street and he had been joined by a friend of ours and eventually my girl-friend showed up there too. They were all doing what they could do to try and keep him calm during the investigation.
The scene was elaborately set up. She had went to great lengths to make sure no one would be able to enter that garage. The windows were blocked, the garage doors were unplugged and she had secured the dead-bolt, which Rick never had a key to.
There was much more, but to tell you the truth I really don't want to have to relive it. I might add more to this post later, but right now it's all still very vivid.
Some times when you think you have seen it all, the EMS gods look down and say: "What about this Mr. Confident?... Deal with this"
Z
A week ago Saturday I'm at home with my children, the girl is at work. It's about 1pm and I'm settling down for some television while the children are taking their afternoon nap.
My buddy Rick walks into my house and says he needs me to come over to his house with him, someone has locked themselves in his garage and he hears music blaring. Immediately I tell him to call 911 and we'll sort the issue out from there. He calls 911 and they inform him that there are no local police officers on duty he would need to wait 15 minutes or so for the sheriff to arrive. Rick heads home and sends his son over to watch my kids so I can leave. I arrive at Rick's house just as the first Deputy does. The garage windows are all blocked off, you cant see in it anywhere.
The deputy says he is waiting on another deputy before he enters; being a tactical medic I understand fully, but Rick is very upset. He wants to get to the bottom of this, and generally feels a little freaked out. I guess I don't blame him, if it were my garage I would be a bit freaked out too.
While we are waiting for the other deputy to arrive I try to brace Rick for the two possibilities I foresee. I know he and his ex-girlfriend have been on the outs for the better part of 2 years. I know that there is some concern over his visitation of their child, and I know he sought the advice of a lawyer to try and rectify the problem.
Knowing his Ex only two things were possible in my mind; either she was waiting in the garage to kill him or she has killed herself. I relay this information the the deputy, but Rick clearly doesn't want to hear any of this and walks away kind of in a daze.
The other deputy arrives and they discuss how they are going to enter the garage. Eventually they break out the glass in the man door and open it. With guns drawn they yell "SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT!!" Then one deputy stumbles backwards and yells: "Get EMS!"
From behind the truck where I was standing I reply: "I am EMS". The deputy yells: "She's in the car!" I ask: "Is the scene safe?" The deputy replies "Yes, hurry, she's in the car"
Rick starts for the garage and I quickly yell at him to go across the street and I'll talk to him in a second. He caught a glance of her in the car... I wish he hadn't.
As I rush to the garage I notice the car still running with a garden hose from the exhaust pipe to the drivers window, one of the deputys breaks out the passenger side window and unlocks the door, he leans over and cuts the ignition. As he jumps out of the way I'm yelling for him to open the garage door or we are all gonna be in trouble. I jump in the car and grab her, prepared to pull her out onto the garage floor and work her. As I touched her arm I knew. She had been gone for several hours. Lividity has set in and she was very ridged. No pulse, no respirations.
I exit the garage just as the local squad is pulling up. They go to the patient with a monitor and confirmed what I told them on arrival.
Now, I have been on several calls like this. I would like to believe that I knew what to expect. The truth of the matter though... It's all very different when you know the people involved. It's very hard to maintain a professional distance when the people grieving are your friends.
The first question on everyone's mind was "Where was the little girl?" The deputys checked every inch of the vehicle and were confident in saying that she was not in the car. Rick called the family, informed them of the situation and found out his daughter was with them.
As the sheriff's department was processing the scene they had a lot of questions for everyone. It felt like we were there 100 hours. Rick was still across the street and he had been joined by a friend of ours and eventually my girl-friend showed up there too. They were all doing what they could do to try and keep him calm during the investigation.
The scene was elaborately set up. She had went to great lengths to make sure no one would be able to enter that garage. The windows were blocked, the garage doors were unplugged and she had secured the dead-bolt, which Rick never had a key to.
There was much more, but to tell you the truth I really don't want to have to relive it. I might add more to this post later, but right now it's all still very vivid.
Some times when you think you have seen it all, the EMS gods look down and say: "What about this Mr. Confident?... Deal with this"
Z
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Hey,
I am looking to become an EMT, I finished classes, and I just have to take the national registry exam. Trouble is, I smoke marijuana and I dont really want to stop unless I need to. Are there drug tests for EMT-Bs?
Thanks.