Saturday, July 28, 2007


It's going to happen. No matter how hard you try.
If you're in this business for any length of time you will start to feel your own mortality.
You will start asking yourself questions and considering the outcome of your own demise. What will my family do, how will I be remembered? Will people grieve for me? How will my affairs be taken care of? What will be come of my possessions, will everything go to my sons as I wished?

I sit an think of these things sometimes and I guess I'm scared of dying. I know the world would continue spinning after I'm gone, but I guess I'm such a control freak that I don't think I would like the way it spins.

Would my boys be raised the way I want them raised? Would they eventually start calling their step-dad "daddy"? I'm daddy god-damn it! I don't want them calling someone else daddy.

I tell my children I love them everyday, most of the time I tell them 2-3 times a day, does it mean anything to them? I let them know that they are the most important thing in the world to me and that NOTHING except God is more important and nothing ever will be.

I usually get the reply "Love you too Dad". I don't know if they really understand that they are my entire life. The entire reason I do what I do.

I go on calls and I see people that take their children for granted, or use them as a source of income. It sickens me. I can't even wrap my head around the fact that people literally kill their children, starve them, beat them, neglect them. Why? How in Gads name is this possible? Is there something broken in their head? They must me broken, I can't imagine any sane person doing such a thing to their flesh and blood.

Ahh, maybe it's just me getting old, or maybe I need to consider meds. I don't know anymore. I do know that I have things to do, places to go, people to see, and I'm not looking forward to cashing in my chips anytime soon. I just wish i could go a month without seeing someone dead while at work. Just one month to reset my head or something.

1 comment:

rookie bebe said...

You ask if saying I love you means anything to your sons. I don't know how old they are, but when they become adults they will remember it and it will be very important to them and they won't be afraid to tell their children everyday.

As for our own mortality, I'm having my DNR orders tattooed on my chest. Just kidding, but a possiblity in 50 years. My dad having a heart attack and limited vision made me think more than my patients. Get yourself to a lawyer dealing in disability and senior law and do it yourself when the time comes. Don't put it off for your children to make all the decisions. It's too hard.

Keep up the great writing. You'll be on my blogroll in a day or two.