Thursday, August 16, 2007

What is it about the loss of a child that tears open our soul?

I mean, I've been on thousands of calls and seen many many people lose their life, and I notice something odd. No matter how many adults die I might feel bad for a couple hours but then I completely forget about them. The fade away into my memory banks and I have to read the old report to refresh my mind with the circumstances.

However, when I close my eyes I can remember every child I ever lost. I can see their faces and remember almost everything about the way they were found, what we did and even how everyone around me looked. I have instant recall about every one of those.

They haunt me. I'm a big strong guy, I should be tougher than this right? Well, I guess I'm just a fucking wuss. I can't deal. I hate the fact we couldn't do anything. I feel helpless, I feel out of control. It all happens in the span of 45 seconds. Every negative emotion you can have just floods to your head and makes your heart pound. Your hands get sweaty, you start thinking about your own children. You have to look up with a tear in your eye and say: "I'm sorry, there is nothing we can do, you child has passed"

The cops wont do it, and most of the time the family doesn't want to hear from a cop, they want to hear from the guys in the ambulance. They want some answers! You just don't have them and even if you did, you wouldn't tell them. Thats the doctors job.

I caved today. I completely shut down. We realized she was dead and I asked my partner if he could tell the mother. I just couldn't do it this time. I'm usually so strong. I usually have it all in control. Not this time. I felt so helpless.

I just want it all to go away. I don't think I can deal with another dead child. Each time I feel part of my humanity slipping away. They are not my children, but I can't help feeling the loss of the parents and siblings. My heart aches for them. I just want to fucking scream. IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR GOD! KILL THE BASTARDS THAT DESERVE IT, LEAVE THE DAMN BABIES ALONE!!

enough for today.