Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Merry Christmas

Congratulations! You are the lucky owner of the Model ZVZ156 Vangplotz High-Digenation Wide-Scringe Framulator, Series 7000, with fernillated quick-response Worzel™ and 20,000 zurlebytes of scringe-view quorms. Follow these simple instructions and soon you will enjoy untold hours of pleasure.

IMPORTANT: Begin by lifting out the plune-wrapped section marked "Lithinode Distrillitor" and refer to the blue-colored picrochit-regulator intensity chart on the side. If the chart has the fuchsia-colored code BRZ3434, your unit requires an AC4(x2z3) power influrger. Extract the influrger pack from the distrillitor's surge-protection splange and check the code. If you have an AC5(x3z4) influrger instead of an AC4(x2z3) model, or if the intensity chart is colored burnt orange instead of blue, then call your local Vangplotz "Speedy Geek"™ home service provider at 1-800-UONHOLD. (WARNING: If the intensity chart is colored silver with pink stripes, then your distrillitor must be activated in person by a Vangplotz lithinode technician within 48 to 72 hours. Vangplotz service centers are conveniently located in the Yellow Dog, Ala., industrial campus and the six-story Grendel Mall-City in Frozen Badger, N.D.)

Next, lift out the tray marked "Tools" and check the inclusions against the following list:

  • One 7 3/4-inch extenulator
  • Two packages of 3/4-inch fribbets
  • Four packages of 1 1/2-inch fribbets
  • One six-jointed revolving spangler
  • One Spurgel-head grommel
  • Six fandles
  • One swigel-headed flonge
  • One multi-pronged grallup
  • One soft-COR elasticized squiller
Unpack the main components: Scringe, MO-DOR qualblanz scrambler, disk-o-later insertion whindler, zagenator, gridger board, Wooflang biceptor, varnicle inhibitor, Worzel™.

Remove plune-wrapping from the scringe. Using the 7 3/4-inch extenulator, calibrate the number of inches spanning the scringe-gripper aperture on the MO-DOR scrambler. The ZVZ156 scringe must have a 14 7/8-inch aperture to successfully interflex with the MO-DOR picrochits. If the aperture exceeds 14 7/8 inches, insert and turn the soft-COR elasticized squiller. Upon completion proceed to:

STEP 1:

First, insert the lithinode distrillitor pack into the scringe under the panel marked Varnicle Reflexelator Chamber. A flinged graffler at the bottom of the chamber will connect the distrillitor to the varnicle. Next, lower the scringe into the MO-DOR scringe-gripper aperture using the swigel-headed flonge to secure it onto the varnicle nodes, which conduct 20-zilihurtz magnifiers to the varnicles. Use the multipronged grallup to secure the pink wooplers to the orange varnicle nodes and the four triple-pronged green wires to the varnicle inhibitor. WARNING: Even one woopler-varnicle node misconnection will cause xurls to disrupt the scringe-view quorms once the framulator is plugged in.

STEP 2:

On the gridger board, align the zagenator, whindler and biceptor units 2.725 inches apart, calibrating the distance with the extenulator. Place the gridger board on top of the units and secure with 1 1/2-inch fribbets using the revolving spangler. Stabilize the units by installing fandles using 1 1/2-inch fribbets.

Go carefully; this is a narrow space: Attach the Spurgel-head grommel onto the wronchle prong of the multi-pronged grallup and position it directly over a fribbet.

Next, extend the revolving spangler to the fourth joint, attach the bludgger head and release the sping-grip. With your left hand, carefully lower the spangler and clamp the sping-grip around the grommel handle while turning the spangler speed valve to "rapid" with your right, and pressing the oscillator button with your other hand.

THIS CONCLUDES PART 1

5 comments:

FireResQGuru said...

LMAO!!!! That sounds just like the instructions on some of my daughter's Christmas presents that said "Some assembly required."

Anonymous said...

wasnt sure how else to get a hold of you, found those pics while moving... thought youd get a kick out of them.

-jen

Zer0 said...

Yes I did! You should stop back in and say Hi when I'm working. Heard you were working for RM.

Anonymous said...

hell no!! The alternative's not much better... but at least im a 911 truck this way. The USMC was amazing, and do i have one hell of a story about my discharge (youd be proud im sure). I also wanted to say thanks again for the haz-mat. It helped in training even more than id counted on. Im working on average 75 hours a week and moved into town as i believe i mentioned, but i swear to try and stop by more often

Anonymous said...

Discharge? Already? No Shit?
Ya, defiantly come in and see me! I gotta hear this.