Frustrated!

I'm still settling into this whole "Paramedic" thing. Trying to find my place in the grand scheme of things. I have made a few very painful realizations over the last few weeks. I'll share a few with you.

#1 Your never as smart as you think you are.

You might have gotten perfect grades in school and you could have been a damn good basic or intermediate but thats no indication of how you will be as a paramedic. You see, you have always been able to secretly think "I'm not the medic, it's not my final decision" When you get that medic card guess what? Yep.. it is your final decision and that scares the bejubus out of you. Take a few deep breaths and let your training and field experience kick in. It's likely you know the solution, you just need to give yourself time to access it.

#2 It's 50/50 now buddy!

I used to get such a kick out of screwing with my medic partners on BLS runs. We would go to a nursing facility for a seemingly routine transport and of course I would be expected to take it since the medic was normally in the back. I would get in and ask a question like "Good afternoon Mam, do you feel like you have any difficulty breathing?" 95% of them would say something to the affirmative and WHAMO.. I would call my partner to take the patient, they are the medic! After getting my card most of the medics I work with now are quick to remind me that it's all 50/50 now unless they feel like getting even for my past shenanigans and stick me with all of them.

#3 Even if it hasn't happened in 10 years, it will now.

Since I have recieved my card I have observed some crazy runs. Stuff you only see once every 5-6 years. Yep, I got the majority of it in my first week. I think it ranked about a 8 on the pucker factor when I was in the back with my first AAA. Prepare for the worst, it's coming.


All of that and the lingering thought that I should probably start dating again at some point. I mean, I'm ok with being single and all but every once in awhile I would like to have some sort of female companionship. No, it's not about sex (although that would be cool too) it more just about the connection to a female that allures me. Plus, women are soft and smell nice. The problem is, I have no idea where to start! I have been so self absorbed for the past 3 years I have kind of lost touch with all the things I SHOULD be doing to put me on the right track to romance. Plus the fact that romance in it's self bores the shit out of me. I prefer REAL conversation with rational people, all the romantic drivel just seems to mask what people are truly thinking.

So I post a couple personals on a couple obscure sites (I shy away from the popular ones) and I get half a dozen or so replies and I notice a trend of BIG women. I have to sit and ask myself "Self, are you only capable of attracting women at 190+ lbs? or is it that those are the only women looking at the personal ads. I certainly hope the latter is true or I'll be single forever. I know I'm a bigger guy, but I'm not obese. I do tend to gravitate toward smaller women but I have nothing against ones with a little meat on their bones either.

So ya, all in all... I'm FRUSTRATED.

Rant off.